perspective

For the first time, got to see the filmsie noobs staffing solo and they were lovely! Fumbled around a bit, as they are new, but in the least cheesy way possible, their noob-innocence was so thoroughly refreshing. I miss that. It's only a year or two in age and/or experience, but the difference is there. Being a director and dealing with the extra responsibility that comes with it, definitely takes its toll. This is just one of many heavy, thought-provoking topics that has occupied time and space in my senior year and unfortunately leads to the heaviest of topics.

Got a text from my dad during STAR TREK that my Uncle Bob had died of a heart attack that very evening. Of course the fact of his passing hit me, but not as hard as the fact that I hadn't realized how much time had passed since I'd last seen him. Commence family history-flashback...

Uncle Bob and Aunt Hyun lived together in Florida--that's where they've always been since I can remember. Their first house was on Apopka Lane, which I'll never forget because I loved that it sounded like popcorn. I still do. Their slight name discrepancy has reason. Aunt Hyun, my mom's sister, married, did you guess?, Irishman Uncle Bob. Imagine a typical, large, rosy-flushed face, Kris Kringle type, but with a hot-blooded Irish temper--he was the "scary one" in the family, but only when provoked. Together, Hyun and Bob had five beautiful happa children, one of those obnoxiously perfect families. I say that with utmost love and respect, spent a good chunk of my childhood with them all. They're the ones that got me swimming! Sad thing is, I was the least close with Uncle B. Nevertheless, tonight something clicked with my dad's text.

I've been lucky enough thus far not to have suffered any close deaths in the family, but this summer with my mom extending her stay in Korea because of my grandparents deteriorating conditions, and now with Uncle Bob's sudden passing, I'm terrified. Just terrified in general of life and death. I never talk to people about it, but I do ponder it to myself every once in a while just to keep myself in check and appreciative of what I've got. I know I've been fortunate and that people have already suffered losses much earlier and much worse than I have at this point. Right now, I'm still unsure how to cope and what the best way to deal with these very real and substantial situations. The worst part is that both my grandparents in Korea and Uncle Bob are so far from me and that I've been rather detached since childhood.

Mom's flying out Thursday for the funeral service. Uncle Bob is to be cremated--another random weighty topic I examine when engaged in life thoughts and conversations. I wish I could console the family and give them closure in this time of confusion and grief. Bottom line is that he was only in his 60's with a clean bill of health. In this day and age, only is certainly appropriate to say. I can only think of how my mom, who became Christian later on in her life, is questioning things. But we also know that heart attacks are malicious; they can happen to any one at any time, for various reasons, regardless of how healthy one might be. I've just been forced to think about all these things at once now..life, death, God, what I believe.

I know that I'll be dealing with Uncle Bob's passing and the reality of my grandparents' conditions little by little, everyday. I'm not jaded or trying to purposely distract myself, but I can't just break down in the middle of fall quarter...that's already pretty much happened. For my sake, I have to handle it in my own way (whatever that means) but keep it together and finish the quarter. There is plenty to do, I have the greatest of company to keep me sane, and for those things I am forever wealthy and grateful.

On a side note, I realized that my compulsive, comma, usage, ailment, has yet to go away. I'd like to think I make up for that by being a snooty stickler for proper grammar in all other aspects of the system. Please count them and let me know where they are unnecessary, thanks.